Thursday 10:35 am, the weekend has just begun. Leaving school I make my way through hoards of young adults who forge cheap attempts at looking famous. I exit campus and notice a slender male hipster entering on a fixed gear bicycle, how original. "Don't judge me" he mutters when passing by. "Queer," I mutter back. I enter my vehicle and start the engine. Nickelback is on the radio, fucking pansies. I correct this atrocity, Oingo Boingo's Little Girls plays. "I love little girls they make me feel so good." I drive pass John Adams Middle School....
Fast Forward 24 hours
I'm sitting in an Imax theatre watching 3D Alice in Wonderland. My head throbs like Lance Bass genitals at a Boy George concert. I feel the urge to vomit as the 3D images swirl around me, I close my eyes and think of the night before.....
................................................
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, four young knights joined forces on an enchanted quest. Two from the North, two from the South. For one night only they came together to murder, rape, and pillage. Little did they know what this journey had in store for them. While three of the knights came away unscathed, one was left with an eternal scar.
Their adventure started deep in the seedy underbelly of the Southland, Tedrick's Lair. A place few dare to enter, a place from where many never return. It is here they begin their voyage. As customary the knights indulge in the local ales to quench their thirst. They play a quick game of malt liquor roullete, formerly known as Rodney King Roulette.
"Where are the wenches!!!" One knight shouts. He is right. We did not come to murder and pillage, we came to murder, rape, and pillage. Tedrick our host hears this. He cranes his neck looking at us, his eye is squinted, his head tilted slightly to the side, their is an expression of fear upon his face. "There are tales of a place over yonder, not far from here, the women are abundant and the liquor is endless."He says. "However, this dream land is heavily guarded by the Men of Doosh." "Doosh?" We ask. "Yes, Doosh, an underground society. There they practice sacred rituals and worship. One such is sodomy. They are not to be taken lightly."
One knight shreiks! "I don't like sodomy!"
They pull together and decide they have come to far, this night will not end prematurely. They will travel to Doosh palace for there is endless drink and wench to be had.
They gather their things, it is time. Tedrick will come along as guide.
As they depart Tedrick looks nervously at the group, he knows he has left out the most dangerous part, the deadliest catch. Tedrick has not told the knights about....
THE FURBURGER.
On their way the knights drink natural lager and do manly things like crush cans with their feet. 0.3 kilometers later they spot their destination. A concrete moat surrounds the square white fortress on all four sides. At the entrance stands two large steel doors, their brute strength stands no match. They spot two Doosh guards on either side of the entrance. One, by the look of his eyes, seems to be of Korean descent. They formulate a glorious plan, for Tedrick knows a Doosh. We will go in waves.
The four knights with the help of Tedrick are able to McGyver their way inside.
They have arrived! They toast their glasses and shout "No Worries!" This is a glorious time for the knights, however they have no knowledge of what lies ahead.....
Below the ground DA FURBURGER waits.....
The night wears on and the knights continue to frolick in the Doosh palace.
Here they are amongst a few savage trogs.
As the knights do they thang, below them lurks trouble. Deep in the shadows of the basement lies something so hanous, so evil, it was banished from the depths of Hell by Satan himself.
This creature has not seen the light of day in over 20 years. It lives below feasting on poor souls it has tricked and loured into its snatch.
As the knights continue to enjoy themselves one spots something in the corner of the room. It is a fine wench. He leaves to have a chat with her, he hopes to bed her. The young couple hits it off. They lock eyes and stare deep into eachothers souls. They begin to kiss and fondle, things get heated, this is not safe inside the castle. The young woman has an idea, she and the knight will return to her quarters for a night of passion. They leave.
As the two leave a dark ominous cloud hovers overtop the white palace. An eerie vibe has taken a hold, something has gone missing.
DER FURBURGER HAS ESCAPED
The two navigate the dark streets of Southland back to the wenches cottage. There she shows the young knight up to her bedroom. As they make their way upstairs he feels something in the pit of his stomach. Something is awry. He continues into her bedroom.
As they begin to shed their garments the knight hears a faint hissing, he brushes it off. But it slowly grows louder. He removes her Blouse, It grows louder. Her skirt, LOUDER. Her brassiere, LOUDER! The knight ignores and continues! He sheds her underpants and moves his hand toward her nether regions when....
DAS FURBURGER ATTACKS!!!
It grabs the knights hand and takes ahold! He tries to fight back but THE FURBURGER is to strong! It pulls him in deeper!
"Arrrrrggghhhh!!!!" He moans.
There is nothing the young knight can do, he must let THE FURBURGER continue until it releases. He lays, moaning in agony as the THE FURBURGER has its way. He is not sure if he can survive. It wrenches and pulls him in deeper. He looks to God for strength.
Just when he could take no more THE FURBURGER wails and releases him from it's grasps! The knight is shaken but he knows it is now or never, he must make a run for it. He turns and heads for the door, his eyes filled with fear. He hears it shriek as he bursts through the door! Down the hall he runs stoping only to urinate on his way out!
He runs through the streets of Southland back to Tedricks lair screaming in agony. The townspeople notice. The lookaway for they know what he has been subjected to. They turn their heads and pray for the young man.
Later in the night the four men reconvine. They look at the distraught one with curiosity, they question him. But he will not answer, he has gone mute. Only Tedrick knows what has happened, only Tedrick knows he has just encountered....
THE FURBURGER
-The Zef Ninja
1 comments:
regarding the author:
he is smooth, sexy, seductive. the envy of all men, desire of all women. he was raised on the streets, bronzed on the beach. one gyration of his hips sends virgins flocking. one more has them begging. hell kiss your baby, or your mother. he had sex with mona lisa. he is the zef ninja.
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