Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunday Thoughts




Magic Johnson had AIDS. Excuse me, HIV. Freddy Mercury had it to. He also had a fetish for sodomizing young Thai boys. To all the Queen fans out there, every time you bought a Queen album you funded Freddy's sexual escapades into Thailand. How dare you fund the exploitation of prepubescent Thai boys! You probably voted for George Bush too ughh.

Cigarettes are fucking cool. Why else would they be called popular sticks. Johnny Depp smokes them and he is Peoples sexiest man alive. Even Obama puffs a grit every now and then. Preferably menthols I presume. Everyone knows that African American's always start the coolest trends. Take sagging your pants or crack cocaine for example. Where would Amy Winehouse or Kate Moss be without Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Whats really important though is that you go down to the liquor store immediately and buy yourself a big time pack of cigarettes. Take two out and put one behind your ear and let the other dangle from your mouth  then light that shit up and let the coolness take care of itself.

Reef sponsors Alana Blanchard. This is great. Now for the rest of her surfing career we will be blessed with the best ass shots the surfing industry has to offer. Keep those forehand bottom turns coming!

Dennis Rodman loves to party. So does Tiger Woods. But Magic Johnson has the BEST T-cell count.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

2 Live Crew

These dudes are on the top of my list for favorite groups of all time. Mostly because they do shit like this on national TV. Check the audience.


A few more words
They almost got banned in Florida in the early 90's for being to lewd. However they took their case to court and won on the grounds of free speech. What did they call there next album? Banned in the USA.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Theres Never Enough Beer's 8 Guidelines To Dealing With 3rd World Prostitutes














It's said that prostitution is the world's oldest profession. I find it to be the most noble as well. It takes a strong woman to withstand the nightly pounding they call a job. Most adults in today's world tire after just a few rounds of intercourse, but not your seasoned whore. She can hump and bump till the sun comes up. 

THE GUIDELINES:

1. Look for trash not class. Check back alleys and areas around dumpsters, this is where you will find your gem. Track marks, sunken eyes, and aging are all a plus. Your goal is to find that hidden gem with years of experience in the business. Nothing screams sexual excellence like a seasoned hooker.

2. Always check for visible STD's. Herpes,  yellow skin pigment (Hepatitis), yadda yadda yadda.... BORING.

3. Make sure she's a SHE, there is nothing worse than accidental gay sex. Look for an adam's apple, large hands, and vaginal wetness. Any irregularities could be signs that she is actually a cock wielding faker. Like Jamie Lee Curtis.

















4. They are hookers not humans. If she gets out of line don't be afraid to smack her around a bit. A black eye or busted lip can do wonders when shaping her up.

Note: Going full retard is never acceptable, even for a third world sex worker. With this being said avoid heavy objects as blunt force trauma can cause severe brain damage.

5. Whatever she says she costs, tell her you'll pay half. Begger's cant be chooser's. If she gives you any lip see rule four. ^^^^

6. Vaginal intercourse is so 2009. Feel free to experiment, remember shes a hooker not a human.

7. If you must, erotic asphyxiation is the way to go. Its quick, doesn't make a mess, and totally looks like an accident. Just remember to properly and creatively dispose of the body. There is nothing more cliche then another dead hooker in a dumpster story.

and last but not least...

8. Remember to have fun! Your in another country and your so totally getting laid!

The Revolution will be Audible

Everyone will remember today. Today is the day the hip hop industrys first all white mix tape was dropped. Dirt Nasty has released "The White Album," feast your ears upon this....

Download it hizzere

Monday, March 22, 2010

LazERTITS

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Gilligan Lays it Down



You tell em Gilligan

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Splifter: Part One




THE SPLIFTER: PART ONE...


The year is 2008. A home in Moreno Valley has just been forclosed upon, an underage girl in Thailand raped, yet meanwhile on a remote Micronesian island one man waits.

He sits at the waters edge with his legs crossed and back to the islands dense jungle looking East as the sun rises over the warm pacific ocean. 100 meters off shore waves barrel across a shallow coral reef. He is alone on this island.

Back home they will say he is running from something, but he knows why he has come. He finds himself here on a personal quest, his own right of passage. He's searching for that one perfect ride....

As he sits on the beach he debates paddling out. Tides to low, winds a bit too Northerly.

"Faccckkkkk." he says to himself.

At this he reaches into the right pocket of his Volcom board shorts and retrieves a pack of Bali Shag rolling tobacco. He removes a paper and cups it between his thumb and forefinger.

Another perfect left barrels over the reef.

He reaches back into his pocket and pulls out a ziploc bag full of Indonesia's finest Kush. He prefers Kush as it helps him relax when life gets eggy. He removes three leafy nugs from the bag and places them inside his Bali Shag paper. He doesnt bother to break them up, it is early in the morning. He then roughly places the fine Dutch tobacco in the paper along side his three nugs. He uses his tanned delicate fingers to tightly roll the paper licking and sealing it once acheiving the desired form. He stares a moment and admires his work, not many people can roll a splee like he can.

As perfect 6-8 foot waves peel in the distance he stands and smokes his spliff. Sometimes he hits nug, sometimes just tobacco. But here on this island, there are no worries.

He grabs his board under his left arm and takes three steps toward the water. He then takes the last drag of his splee and exhales....

"Faaaaccckkkkkk." He says. "Over it."

At this he sits back down and reaches into the pocket of his boardshorts for the Bali Shag and fine Indonesian Kush......


TO BE CONTINUED.....

-CE

Ho Bruddah!! Da BOYZ!

an old clip of all the homies gettin' creepy down by the river.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bit o EnTertainment

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Space age Bachelor Pad Music

Et Musique Pour Tous

This video pretty much explains the Et Musique Pour Tous corporate strategy, Make The Girl Dance. Cheers.



DERBY DAZED

clayton, chz, and nokes get back to their roots at one of the world's first skateparks, infamous derby park.

ALOHA TOOB VIBES

a "cruising at home" clip from clay marzo. damn hawaiians get way too toobed.

Clay Marzo - Creator of the World from Heavy Mayo on Vimeo.

Friday, March 12, 2010

MYSTO NUG

The New Ghostfingers CHRONicles





    Two young men. Some might even say boys. They pulled up in a shiny black Tundra, eyes empty behind large sunglasses, mouths agape in simpleton laughter. The driver opened his door and hopped out, and the passenger followed soon after. They left the parking lot and entered the foliage.

    The path was dark. In spite of the exuberant greenery, and in spite of the ethereal halos of sunlight tunneling through the canopy like great worms of light, it was dark. An eeriness existed there in that forest path, a gloom that pervaded the musty air in perpetual repudiation of the day. Not that these young men could see it, or even sense it. Nevertheless, it was there.
    They pressed on. A lugubrious, jungle silence was all they could hear, and the deep green verdure trembled in the stillness. The ocean soon came into view, and they saw waves breaking. The passenger carefully avoided a low hanging vine as not to dirty his brightly colored LRG t shirt. They smiled, and laughed to one another as they neared the beach.

    "Ah dude it looks sick out there."
    "Yah, dude, look at that left, it looks like Pipeline."
     "I can’t wait to try my new Quiksilver wetsuit out. It’s a four-three, perfect for colder days like this."

    The path emptied onto the empty beach and they watched the waves break onto the shallow reef. They stood on the head of the point and a thick tangle of trees lined the coast for a distance in either direction. They laughed and watched the waves for a small while. They were not alone.    

    "Dude this beach is sick, I can’t believe no one is here. We should totally set up a volleyball court right here. Oh, look at that left dude."
    "Shit it looks fun out there. Lets grab our quad fishes and get out there."

    They turned and headed back from whence they came. The excited young men quickened their pace as they trotted the path. They took no notice of the jungle whispers. They could not hear its warnings. It was dark, and they were not alone.
    The driver ducked under a low hanging vine, as not to dirty his brightly colored Active t shirt. The other did the same. In a short while they exited the forest and set foot back on the cement of the parking lot. They made their way to the shiny black Tundra in the otherwise vacant lot.

    "Dude, it looks so sick out there- wait, you smell that?"
  
    The driver sniffed, and something like dread washed over him.

    "Yeah, I do."

    "That’s a mighty fine piece of equipment you got there. A right pretty automobile."

    They turned to where the voice came, and there stood a figure, not five paces behind them. A rickety straw hat tilted down and pulled low, a haggard Hawaiian shirt wrought with stains of blood or barbeque sauce or both. Black jeans and relatively clean bare feet. This strange man took a drag of his spliff, and smoke seeped out of his nostrils like a ghostly hand.
     The boys backed towards the truck slowly, uneasily, unsure of what to make of this stranger or his comment. The driver tried to speak.

    "Thanks. My dad, like, owns this dealership, so--"
    "Yep, that there’s a top rate automobile. A fella could sure to be proud to call somethin' like that his own."

    The stranger stepped to the car and peered inside the bed at the surfboards tied down. He looked up at them. They saw his eyes.

    "You boys mean to paddle out?"

    The young men didn’t know what to say. The smoky presence of this man seemed surreal in those fragile moments before fear came into sight.

    "Hey man, do you live around here? We were just driving north on the highway and thought we’d check it out. Dude, we’re from SD. What’s this place called, bro?"

    The man took one last drag of his spliff, and dropped it to the ground, where he stepped on it with the ball of his bare foot. His unflinching eyes rose from his feet and set a stubborn, steel gaze on the young men.

    "Ghostfingers."

    The stranger smiled, his eyes burned with pulsating intensity, and the word penetrated the air.

    "Ha, Ghost-fingers? That’s a weird name. Wonder why it’s called that."

    At this, the man reached into a haggard fold of his dirty Hawaiian shirt and produced a large knife. He looked at it quietly for a second, and turned it slowly in his hands. Without warning, he took one of the young men’s hands and brought the knife down hard, severing the fingers at the base with godlike speed and demoniacal fury. Blood splashed and sprayed and dirtied his brightly colored Activ t shirt.
    The second young man looked with horror and disbelief, took a few quaky steps back, then turned and ran to the forest. The first boy sank to his knees, staring incredulously at the four bloody wounds where used to be fingers.

    "Mister, please, my dad owns this dealership--"  
  
    "All who wander here shall know the name."

    Tears mingled with blood as screams rang into the air.

    The full moon hung low on this cloudless night, omniscient and disinterested. Every few seconds the waves roared like primal beasts held captive by the stillness of the peculiar beach, both bleak and beguiling in its calm. The naked and charred bodies of two young men hung limply from the palm tree and were teased by the night wind, and all the while a murder of crows feasted and filled their gullets on this bounty of flesh. Two young men. Some might even say boys. And on the trunk of the tree was etched but one name. And that name was Ghostfingers.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Cruisey Vibes Kid

Animated women turn me on


Record Makers Promo from CreativeApplications.Net on Vimeo.

Midweek Doldrums


Heres a jammer to help get through the week.

Rock n Roll bitches

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

SLUGS ON THE ROAD

last weekend, the prestigious slug surf team ventured southward in hopes of claiming the title of best in the state. while the waves didn't really cooperate with them at the contest site, a slug party of another kind went down at a certain undisclosed location. the locs weren't too happy about the camera, but shredding of this magnitude needed to be documented.

toons: party out of bounds by the b-52's



Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Legend of THE FURBURGER


Thursday 10:35 am, the weekend has just begun. Leaving school I make my way through hoards of young adults who forge cheap attempts at looking famous. I exit campus and notice a slender male hipster entering on a fixed gear bicycle, how original. "Don't judge me" he mutters when passing by. "Queer," I mutter back. I enter my vehicle and start the engine. Nickelback is on the radio, fucking pansies. I correct this atrocity, Oingo Boingo's Little Girls plays. "I love little girls they make me feel so good." I drive pass John Adams Middle School....

Fast Forward 24 hours

I'm sitting in an Imax theatre watching 3D Alice in Wonderland. My head throbs like Lance Bass genitals at a Boy George concert. I feel the urge to vomit as the 3D images swirl around me, I close my eyes and think of the night before.....

................................................

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, four young knights joined forces on an enchanted quest. Two from the North, two from the South. For one night only they came together to murder, rape, and pillage. Little did they know what this journey had in store for them. While three of the knights came away unscathed, one was left with an eternal scar.

Their adventure started deep in the seedy underbelly of the Southland, Tedrick's Lair. A place few dare to enter, a place from where many never return. It is here they begin their voyage. As customary the knights indulge in the local ales to quench their thirst. They play a quick game of malt liquor roullete, formerly known as Rodney King Roulette. 



"Where are the wenches!!!" One knight shouts. He is right. We did not come to murder and pillage, we came to murder, rape, and pillage. Tedrick our host hears this. He cranes his neck looking at us, his eye is squinted, his head tilted slightly to the side, their is an expression of fear upon his face. "There are tales of a place over yonder, not far from here, the women are abundant and the liquor is endless."He says. "However, this dream land is heavily guarded by the Men of Doosh." "Doosh?" We ask. "Yes, Doosh, an underground society. There they practice sacred rituals and worship. One such is sodomy. They are not to be taken lightly."

One knight shreiks! "I don't like sodomy!"

They pull together and decide they have come to far, this night will not end prematurely. They will travel to Doosh palace for there is endless drink and wench to be had.

They gather their things, it is time. Tedrick will come along as guide.

As they depart Tedrick looks nervously at the group, he knows he has left out the most dangerous part, the deadliest catch. Tedrick has not told the knights about....

THE FURBURGER.

On their way the knights drink natural lager and do manly things like crush cans with their feet. 0.3 kilometers later they spot their destination. A concrete moat surrounds the square white fortress on all four sides. At the entrance stands two large steel doors, their brute strength stands no match. They spot two Doosh guards on either side of the entrance. One, by the look of his eyes, seems to be of Korean descent. They formulate a glorious plan, for Tedrick knows a Doosh. We will go in waves. 

The four knights with the help of Tedrick are able to McGyver their way inside.

They have arrived! They toast their glasses and shout "No Worries!" This is a glorious time for the knights, however they have no knowledge of what lies ahead.....

Below the ground DA FURBURGER waits..... 

The night wears on and the knights continue to frolick in the Doosh palace.

Here they are amongst a few savage trogs.

As the knights do they thang, below them lurks trouble. Deep in the shadows of the basement lies something so hanous, so evil, it was banished from the depths of Hell by Satan himself.

This creature has not seen the light of day in over 20 years. It lives below feasting on poor souls it has tricked and loured into its snatch.

As the knights continue to enjoy themselves one spots something in the corner of the room. It is a fine wench. He leaves to have a chat with her, he hopes to bed her. The young couple hits it off. They lock eyes and stare deep into eachothers souls. They begin to kiss and fondle, things get heated, this is not safe inside the castle. The young woman has an idea, she and the knight will return to her quarters for a night of passion. They leave.

As the two leave a dark ominous cloud hovers overtop the white palace. An eerie vibe has taken a hold, something has gone missing.

DER FURBURGER HAS ESCAPED

The two navigate the dark streets of Southland back to the wenches cottage. There she shows the young knight up to her bedroom. As they make their way upstairs he feels something in the pit of his stomach. Something is awry. He continues into her bedroom.

As they begin to shed their garments the knight hears a faint hissing, he brushes it off. But it slowly grows louder. He removes her Blouse, It grows louder. Her skirt, LOUDER. Her brassiere, LOUDER! The knight ignores and continues! He sheds her underpants and moves his hand toward her nether regions when....

DAS FURBURGER ATTACKS!!!

It grabs the knights hand and takes ahold! He tries to fight back but THE FURBURGER is to strong! It pulls him in deeper! 

"Arrrrrggghhhh!!!!" He moans.

There is nothing the young knight can do, he must let THE FURBURGER continue until it releases. He lays, moaning in agony as the THE FURBURGER has its way. He is not sure if he can survive. It wrenches and pulls him in deeper. He looks to God for strength. 

Just when he could take no more THE FURBURGER wails and releases him from it's grasps! The knight is shaken but he knows it is now or never, he must make a run for it. He turns and heads for the door, his eyes filled with fear. He hears it shriek as he bursts through the door! Down the hall he runs stoping only to urinate on his way out!

He runs through the streets of Southland back to Tedricks lair screaming in agony. The townspeople notice. The lookaway for they know what he has been subjected to. They turn their heads and pray for the young man.

Later in the night the four men reconvine. They look at the distraught one with curiosity, they question him. But he will not answer, he has gone mute. Only Tedrick knows what has happened, only Tedrick knows he has just encountered....

THE FURBURGER

-The Zef Ninja

Worries?

Director Romain-Gavras gives us a look into the lives of some rambunctious adolescents who should probably learn the ways of a "no worries" 
lifestyle. Put nicely to some sounds of Justice.


justice stress Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, March 5, 2010

Zef

If you don't get it, you won't get it. You can't get it unless you do get it. Break it down Ninja.....



-The Zef Ninja

Tim and Eric



Not very often do big things happen in skateboarding.  This in fact, is one of the smallest things to ever happen to skateboarding. But what can be said about the impact it has on Joe Everyman: Skateboarder?  Again, not much is really going on here. But it's different. Tim and Eric. Two shralpers, freshly sponsored by Roger Skateboards


From the Roger Skateboards site:
"Fun facts:


Tim is 38, Eric is 21 which makes Tim easily old enough to be Eric's father.

Tim and Eric are neighbors, but never hang out or see each other around.

Eric is in college and Tim barely finished high school.

Eric loves Go-gurt.

Eric loves his Airspeed brand shoes.

At any one time, Eric has up to 25 frozen pizzas in his freezer.

Tim was on a episode of SK8TV hosted by Skatemaster Tate. (home viewer video)

Tim didn't win at hipster bingo, but got close. (is it even considered winning?)

It could be argued that Eric has had some of the worst haircuts in the history of mankind.

Tim has bad teeth."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Source of Inspiration

When I edited that short skate clip yesterday the song choice started off as a joke.  I had a couple people ask me who it was, and where the fuck it came from.  Well, to those two people, here you go...

The song is called However Do You Want Me by Soul II Soul.  It's remixed quite heavily here in the intro to the underground gang banger classic, Belly.  This hit, made in 1998, starred rap legends DMX and Nas; not to mention a few cameos by other rap superstars.  You gotta check this movie out if you haven't already.  This clip speaks for itself.  'Nuff said.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Awkward Boners

this is officially the best website

Akward Boners

-The Zef Ninja

One Night on Leisure Lane

It was Saturday February 27th and it was raining. As usual in Manhattan Beach the probability of a good night did not look so probable. As I lay on the couch I feel something in my pants.

My phone is vibrating. It was Jerry Kush, "G Kush" as the homies refer to him. I answer with a simple, "Herro?" Jerry and I partake in polite small talk before he drops the bomb on me. Cue song.



Isler Vister he says in a rough mockery of an Australian accent. Wait... the Isler Vister? Where the beer flows like wine and the women smell like the salmon of Capistrano? Where as local legend Sabotaj put it, "They pre-party harder than you party?" IV, as the locals call it, is a place where soody happens, a place fit for a teeen muuuuuhhhmmm, a place where one third of the town is familiar with the term STD. Most guys cannot handle IV.

I want to kiss him through the phone. Props Soulja Boi Tell'em. Yes! I shout as tears of joy streak down my face, I tell him to pick me up in 30 minutes.

3:00- We begin our voyage
3:07- We make a quick stop to pick up a young athletic looking male of Greek descent that, if necessary, could easily pass for Persian

On the way we encounter an enchating rainbow beyond the lush rolling green hills that border the US 101 freeway.
We think, what if leprechauns were real? If not, then what do you call an Irish midget? And why did the gays have to steal and claim such beauty from the rest of the hetero world?

4:40- Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen blares on the radio, Freddy Mercury has the voice of an angel
4:40-Passerbys look strangly at the three young males packed tightly in a small white Ford, more so at the Greek who dons a "phresh" Vanilla Ice hair cut

The car ride continues, Motley Crue's greatest hits play on the stereo. The Greek complaines of discomfort in the back seat.

5:16- Three outsiders enter "IV."

Upon entering the small coastal town we turn North and navigate the small streets until we come to Fortuna Lane, or as the locals call it, "Leisurely Lane." This will be our destination for the night.

We enter and are greeted with warm gestures and plenty of slap and bump bro shakes. We relax and enjoy the company of friends and wait for the night.

8:07- First beers are cracked
8:27- Caps begins and drinking hastens
9:20- I notice road bikes, fancy film cameras, and electro music. Where am I? Leisure Lane? Then the kegs arrive.

As guests begin to enter the cozy one story house one man enters holding a 36-pack of Monster Energy drink, I guess its official, the party just started.

DJ Shortdawg begins to spin his patented mix of musical sextacy that has substance fueled youth goin crazy. At least no one is going dumb. As the music grinds so do the party-goers.

 I am interrupted by a small Blonde Jewish boy who feels the need to tell me he is rolling. "Awesome," I reply, and notice his beak shaped nose. I think about ecstacy momentarily, then cocaine.

10:05- I have not yet stumbled into coke room
10:15- Meet woman
10:25- Vodka of the gods please

The house is now packed, Men>Women. I question a member of the Jewish American Water Polo team about his experience in the Maccabiah Games. Then of pros and cons of hereditary traits. Jew-fro, does it create drag? Circumcision, streamlined?

10:30-11:30- Party continues, Greek receives Facebook mobile alert
11:40- Reengage woman, leave party

During this time a man has an encounter with a wandering hand/finger mid fellatio, he did not enjoy this. Hand is slapped away.

12:30- Return to party

I see Greek Vanilla Ice and make my way towards his position to the right of DJ Shortdawg.

12:32- Yet to find coke room

He informs me he must leave and re-kindle lost love. The Greek leaves and is not seen for the remainder of the night, he is making love. One may think love cannot exist in a place like Isla Vista. Yet amongst the binge drinking angels of this small college town he has found a gem. He sees the sunset in her blue eyes. Like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, the Greek is in love, he has found his Frances "Baby" Houseman.

From here on the party winds down. Guests leave, the music stops, and empty handed males drown sexual desires with bong loads. I walk outside to discuss Nikki Sixx and Heroine abuse with Griffandor, a young man with delightful red hair. He informs me Gene Simmons has never drank or used drugs. Gene Simmons has also slept with over 9,000 women.

1:20- Head back inside

I find a room full of shit-housed men singing along as a lone guitar player strums and wails the lyrics to an Against Me song. I join.

1:30-3:00- More drinks, more songs, more good times
3:10- It is bed time

I walk into garage for purpose of attaining prime sleeping position atop a vodka soaked couch. No worries, its just college right?

4:20- Fuck, I am woken by the sounds of a fellow party guest spewing, having himself a Ralph Nader. Some guys just cant handle IV.

8:30- Wake up time

Alright time to get the fuck out... Wait? What is that I see over yonder? Not 10 feet from my couch I see Jerry and another man sharing a bed. Did they? I sure hope not, they could have at least hung a sheet.


9:15- We leave Isla Vista.... we don't find coke room

-The Zef Ninja

BUNK BRIDGES


little clipper of frad cruisin' through a shitty midday surf. the beat was slapped together by our buddy, jonah christian. download his EP here frothers.

Concrete Partyblunt



All kinds of good times last weekend. Had some Santa Cruzians cruz in on Saturday... nice lil' brunt in anticipation











I almost forgot people were coming over...














I eventually remembered when they showed up






























Wild stuff on the way to a swanky hotel party...
Swank...
Pleasant fadunkings....
I'd like to wish a happy 20th to Smells and a raging 21st to Waylando Bloom



Next day shralpings














Standard shit in the TL (sorry Sam)














Who's the tranny now?
  
Cheers...

Monday, March 1, 2010

SEX, DOPE, AND CHEAP THRILL$





He sat before me, smiling smugly at some snide remark that he had made regarding rap music. His eyes were as dark as pure Afgan tar behind his ebony Rayban sunglasses, and his voice was like a cheese-grader on a chalkboard. Oliver Cokepits, or DJ Bowliver Cokerips, as his associates call him, is not only Lord of Spliff Street, but Lord of the Airwaves, and he rules them as any good Jewish DJ should: with an iron fist. Only the most obscure of live performances, only the longest of jams, only the best of the best makes it onto his show, and his audience worships him all the more for it, women not excluded. Living proof of why the Jews should control the music business, he is Snowliver Bowlrips, and his show is "Sex, Dope and Cheap Thrills." Listen Wednesday mornings at 9 am on KZSC.org, or Jerry Garcia will haunt you.